WHEN Boris Johnson was campaigning for Brexit, he definitely said that if we left the EU, we’d be able to take control of our borders.

Well, that’s gone well.

ReutersSo far this year, 24,500 people have crossed the Channel on small boats, which is three times more than last year... maybe because they will be given a house and some money every week '/ '

So far this year, 24,500 people have crossed the Channel on small boats, which is three times more than last year.

And so far, just five of them have been sent back to where they came from.

What I don’t understand is why, when they’ve made it as far as France, these people feel the need to get into a leaky boat and risk a Channel crossing, in November, to make it to Britain. 

France has great cheese and some fine wines. 

They could go and live in St ­Tropez where the summers are long and hot.

 Or a pretty village in Gascony where they could dine every night on tasty ­delicacies. 

But instead they think: “No, I want to live in Ramsgate.”

                                        Most read in News





















            FLEEING 'HELL'          

            Turpin family sisters speak for the first time on 'House of Horrors' escape         



















            DID YOU LOOK UP?            

            Longest lunar eclipse in 580 years as Beaver Moon lit up night skies            



















            SHOCK DEATH         

            Rapper, 36, shot and killed as cops respond to Yo Gotti retaliation rumors          



















            NOT OVER YET            

            Kyle Rittenhouse victims' families could sue teen after not guilty verdict          



















            MYSTERY DEEPENS         

            Brian Laundrie's cause of death to be revealed as notebook found near body          



















            GETTING CLOSER          

            Cops locate Mercedes-Benz used by gunmen who shot dead Young Dolph          

I guess part of the appeal is that in Britain, they can have free penis-enlargement surgery, if that’s what takes their fancy. 

Plus, they will be given a house and some money every week.

All they have to do is tell the authorities that they are committed Christians and that if they were to be sent home, this would cause the village elders to hang them from a tree by their scrotums.

Another appealing thing about Britain is our police    force. Which is now ­completely ineffectual. 

This week, police officers in London were urged by their boss, Cressida Dick, to ask themselves 44 questions before putting someone in handcuffs. Such as: “Is this person hitting me on the head with a hammer?”

One of the actual questions they must ponder before breaking out the restraints is: “What do I not know?”

Tricky one, that. 

I do not know Michael Gove’s middle name or the date of Julia Bradbury’s birthday, or what is the world’s fifth-highest mountain, or how far away the Andromeda galaxy is.

And I cannot name a single person currently working in the Gateshead branch of WH Smith.

Foaming at mouth

There are billions of things that I don’t know and I’m sure I’d struggle to list them all. 

Especially while trying to ­wrestle with someone who’s foaming at the mouth and trying to tear my eyes out.

Dick says the new policy will help build trust in the community, and I’m sure it won’t.

LNPAnother appealing thing about Britain is our police    force. Which is now ­completely ineffectual '/ '

 But I can see why it might appeal to people who’ve just arrived here from a country where the police can’t use handcuffs because all the known criminals have had their arms cut off.

We are soft in this country.

 Too soft.

And unless someone in Government gets a grip soon, we will have a genuine crisis and have to deploy the Army.

Not that this will be possible, as I read this week that most of our troops are on their way to Poland to help the authorities there stem a flood of migrants coming across the border from Belarus.

Right idea. Wrong border.

Focus on the road - and steer clear of Abbey

RexWhat’s next? Will there be a new offence of driving while thinking about Abbey Clancy? '/ '

A NEW rule means you are not even allowed to touch your mobile telephone when you are behind the wheel. Even if you’re in a traffic jam.

Seriously? If your random playlist decides to fill the car with Arctic Monkey noises and you really aren’t in the mood, you are no longer allowed to swipe the screen to make it stop. Are the people who write these laws mad? Because almost all human beings are capable of doing two things at the same time.

 Men can read a newspaper while on the loo. Women can have sex with their husbands while thinking about Brad Pitt.

GettyAre the people who write these laws mad? Because almost all human beings are capable of doing two things at the same time. Women can have sex with their husbands while thinking about Brad Pitt '/ '

So why are we no longer allowed to change a music track while sitting in a traffic jam?

What’s next? Will we be told that if we want to turn the heating up a bit in the car, we will have to find a lay-by and pull over? And will there be a new offence of driving while thinking about Abbey Clancy?

        LOST LE PLOT




                AS we know, you can no longer assume someone is a man just because he has a beard and a deep voice, or that someone is a woman just because her Instagram feed is full of dog pictures.             

But I wonder how this works in France, where everything is assigned a sex. A table, for example, is female. But what if it identifies as a man? Are you then allowed to refer to it as le table?  Perhaps someone with an understanding of this new way of thinking could explain.

Joy of scuba skiver

ShutterstockMarine biologist have decided many of us can't visit the Thai beach made famous by the Leonardo DiCaprio movie '/ '

THE Thai beach made famous by the Leonardo DiCaprio movie is a huge tourist attraction. 

But now numbers will be strictly limited after marine biologists said something or other about coral. What is a marine biologist? And why do you never see them in the Humber estuary, below? Or off the coast of Lancashire? 

They’re only ever found in the tropics, where it seems to me they spend their days growing dreadlocks, getting tanned, smoking weed, having sex and then, once in a while, saying something about turtles.

ShutterstockNo marine biologist in sight, here on the Humber '/ '

ONE of the good things about owning a farm is that I can choose names for all the fields and woods.

And this week I’m delighted to announce that in the spirit of the times I’ve decided to change the name of the wildflower meadow from Marcus Rashford to Winston Churchill.

That’s the right way round, isn’t it?

Navy's dunkin' donuts

PAThe Navy has admitted it's lost a F-35B Lightning after it crashed - and they're worried that unless they recover it soon, the Russians or Chinese will snatch it and uncover all of its secrets '/ '

IT’S embarrassing enough that a sophisticated F-35B Lightning jet was lost from one of the Navy’s aircraft carriers this week. But now comes news that they don’t know where it is exactly.

Apparently, they are worried that unless they recover it from the seabed soon, the Russians or Chinese will snatch it and uncover all of its secrets.

But I think that the biggest secret of them all is already out. 

Having seen many movies about naval warfare, we have it in our heads that modern-day warships are so sophisticated they can detect even the smallest underwater objects from thousands of miles away. 

But now we learn that the most modern ship in the British fleet can’t even find this jet fighter. 

If it was the captain’s watch they were looking for, I’d understand, but aeroplanes are quite big.

What’s more, it turns out the ship didn’t even know where it was when the accident happened. If it did, they’d know where the plane was, surely. 

It’s possible, I suppose, that no one was looking when the jet went in the oggin, and they only realised one was missing when doing a stocktake. 

But I find this hard to believe, as there must have been one hell of a splash.

Whatever, the Russians and the Chinese now know the Royal Navy doesn’t know where it is and that it can’t even find a plane even when it’s, literally, right on top of it.

Falling out or falling over, Joe?

EPAI'm not sure Joe Biden knows who Kamala, above, is, or what a vice president does, or where he left his slippers '/ '

RUMOURS are circulating that US President Joe Biden is falling out with the Vice President, Kamala Harris.

I don’t believe them, though, because I’m not sure Joe knows who Kamala is, or what a vice president does, or where he left his slippers, or why he went to the kitchen just now.

 Falling out? Falling over, more like.


SHARE